Suffering from MSA: Mother’s Sympathy Anxiety
Aug 27
To be totally honest, I feel like we are doing a whole lot of over-diagnosing of children’s behavioural issues at the moment. When I was at uni studying Behavioural Science in the nineties, we just couldn’t keep up with the explosion of new terminology which was used to pigeon-hole personality types and behavioural traits into neat little boxes.
The paramaters of “normal” became narrower and more defined. Passionate, active, excitable, shy, nervous, calm, talkative, challenging, and artistic children jumped out of the “normal” box and were lumped with a diagnosis that rightly or wrongly defined them. Their diagnosis often came as a relief as guilt-ridden parents and teachers would wring their hands and wonder what they had done wrong to contribute to this “different” behaviour, and the government would offer money for assistant teachers, counselling, and medication. The aim of all this? To bring children back into the neatly defined parameters of normal. Because it was easier – usually for the parents, usually for the teachers, usually for society, but rarely for the children.
We began to lose sight of the beautiful and unique characteristics that made our children an individual. We were creating “Stepford-Children” – assuming that they should all behave the same way, learn the same way, communicate the same way. New parents of this generation would feel worried if their children didn’t fit into this “ideal”. And even knowing all I did from a theoretical perspective, I fell into the trap of “chasing a diagnosis” for my son. As I stood in tears one morning, talking to his teacher and begging for help, I knew I desperately needed someone to put him in a pigeon hole. Because he wasn’t fitting anywhere. And I was tired of trying to make him fit where he obviously didn’t.
Not surprisingly, but with huge relief, my son was diagnosed with very mild anxiety. It was a relief because I could stop stressing about how I contributed to his anxiety, and start concentrating on how I could help him deal with his anxiety. Thankfully it’s been an easier road to travel than I expected. Some of the tactics involve:
- talking to him about upcoming events, and explaining what will be happening, who will be there, and what to expect.
- understanding that his angry and “naughty” behaviour is usually a cover for his feelings of anxiety and nervousness.
- talking him through an event and discussing how fantastic he will feel when he has finished an activity – trying to help him to predict and feel that feeling of achievement, so he has something to look forward to.
- acknowledging his fears – that they are real and entirely valid.
- encouraging him and role-modelling how to be a risk-taker, because even as adults we have to do things that we may not always be comfortable doing.
- telling him that I love him and I am proud of him
The funny thing out of all of this is that I am becoming very familiar with his feelings of anxiety. I can see them from a mile away. And what’s more I can now FEEL them. Which brings me back to me!
I am a sympathy crier. If someone’s eyes well with tears in front of me, I am a lost cause. I have to fight back the tears myself, willing my eyeballs to just hold it together.
And it’s the same with my boy. As soon as I see “that look” on his face, I instantly feel the tension in my gut. I start feeling nervous, and I telepathically send him every ounce of strength I can summon up. I grit my teeth and squint my eyes, whispering “C’mon, you can do it. You’re OK. You can do this”, over and over. And I hold my breath, not daring to make a peep until I have willed him through his own feelings of self-doubt. I have self-diagnosed myself with MSA – Mother’s Sympathy Anxiety!
But you know what – that’s OK. I can wear that hat – it kinda fits pretty alright on my head.
Because I have stopped blaming myself for what I did wrong. I didn’t break him. I didn’t cause him to feel this way. He’s my boy and I love him with all my heart. And the more I understand him, and love him, and not only acknowledge who he is, but embrace it with all that I am, then maybe, just maybe, I can sneakily remove him from his pigeon hole of diagnosis, and nudge him gently back into the chaotic swirl of “normal” – whatever THAT means!
Because colour and diversity and difference and tolerance and acceptance is what makes this world beautiful. I want to stretch the boundaries of normal- push back the parameters and let us embrace all those wonderful emotions and feelings and idiosyncrasies that make us so unique.
To my Fred, you ARE ok! You are such a beautiful colour in our family rainbow. You CAN do this. I DO love you. And I am SO proud of you.
I could have written this post myself….pinging with resonance here!!
My friends son started crying at school the other morning at drop-off time, because he thought his mum had left without saying goodbye. He was so distressed that I found myself tearing up within seconds and had to make a quick departure (once we located Mamma!).
I think the way you are helping your son is spot on, and valuable advice for any parent dealing with mild-level anxiety.
Loved this.
Thanks so much Kirri. Morning drop offs are just hideous some days. I love how other Mums are always prepared to step in and help with a cuddle and some comfort when needed
We’ve just commenced some CBT for anxiety for my son and I’m really looking forward to working with him to manage his feelings. I completely relate to your MSA – I think as a mum you can’t help it.
Kristy, there is so much relief that comes from actually doing something. It feels like you can step off the treadmill and go somewhere. All the best with your son!
Thanks so much for this post
My son is two and a half and I sometimes think, actually I am quite sure that he may have anxiety..he is such a little worrier and very cautious! I can see when things are starting to worry him and I have learnt to get down to his level and chat to him about things to try and reassure him. Hopefully as time goes on I can learn more about how to help him more..when did you discover that you son had anxiety, how old was he? And I actually wanted to ask the title of the book you wrote about a couple of weeks ago about anxiety..Id like to get myself a copy.
Thankyou!
Hi Michelle. I think the earlier you start implementing strategies the better. Anxiety isn’t pleasant for anyone, let alone our little people. I knew from when he was having a baby. Here is my post about him and the details of the book
http://mummysmiles.com/children/my-little-worrier-happythoughts-and-worrythoughts-giveaway/
Great post Natalie, thanks for sharing. When my son was younger, I also found the pigeon-holing to be a vicious circle of despising the labelling but none-the-less looking for the label that might instigate a solution anyway. I think that, as mothers, we continually look for ways we can help our children fit into a confusing (and beautiful) world. Good luck to you and your Fred
Tina
Thanks so much Tina. It is confusing! But yes so very beautiful. Sometimes it really feels like we are chasing our tails, but sometimes it helps to look up and realise that everything is OK. Thanks again.
Beautiful Post
Thanks Stephanie
Oh beautiful girl – I have a certain 7 year old who has ongoing help for his anxiety. Thanks so much for sharing your story hun as it makes you feel not so alone it. And hell yeah – I am totally a sympathetic crier too, a total emotional mess at the sight of anyones tears and I also cry whenever I am happy. I have a post in my drafts about my over prduct tear glands. xx
Now Son I can totally pick you as a sympathy crier – I hope no-one ever sets us off while we’re together! Wishing you peace for your beautiful boy
Nat I have been meaning to email you regarding your last post about aniexty!! When I was reading your post I found myself nodding and things started to click! It was exactly what my my son is like! I started to wonder if I should go and see my Dr with him! I had a major car accident when he was 18 months and really that’s when his behavior completely changed and it wasn’t until I thought about it that I could link the two together! After the accident I suffered from depression, PTSD and aniexty very badly! To the point I didn’t leave my house for 3 months! Its been a long long road but im getting better! I didnt even think that my 3 kids may be suffering as well! So after seeing my Dr and then a psychologist with my son he has been suffering with aniexty and I didn’t even realise! We thought he was just ‘stubborn’ or ‘naughty’ !!
Oh how life has changed so incredibly since I have known! He is also like a different child as I understand that kids that suffer from aniexty like to control their surrounds as a way of copping with it!
So I can’t say thank you enough as you have not only changed my like, but most importantly my sons! Honestly our lives have changed so so much!! So thank you so so much!! I have been meaning to email you to thank you!!
Xxx
Oh Kylie – I don’t even know what to say! I can’t tell you how much this means to me. I sometimes feel like I am in my own little bubble, so to hear that you have made such huge and significant steps in your son’s life touches my very heart. I am so sorry for all that you have been through – I can only imagine how traumatic that must have been for you, and what a champ you are to have come so far. Thank you for being such an amazing Mum, and seeking help for your son. I wish you continued support and understanding as you travel this path together. And thank you so so so much for taking the time to let me know.