The End of Breastfeeding
Feb 27
I knew it would happen one day. I knew I wouldn’t be breastfeeding forever. But I had no plans to stop any time soon.
Lucy is almost 18 months old. She is my fourth baby. My last baby.
No matter what milestone she passes, there will always be this little voice in my head whispering “This is the last time you will see one of your babies do this”. I try not to listen to that voice. It’s depressing. It tells me that my baby years are passing. That I am getting older. That the best years of my life are whizzing by, no matter how hard I try to hold on to them.
But this is a big one.
I have LOVED breastfeeding. It hasn’t always been smooth sailing. I’ve had the joys of cracked nipples, engorged breasts, bouts of mastitis, a baby that fed hourly, a baby that nibbled. I’ve had to work my life around the regular feeds, and I’ve passed up on dinners out, and day-long events, and romantic weekends away because I chose not to use bottles or express. For me, thankfully, it was an easy choice.
I wanted that closeness. I wanted that dependence on me – that feeling that I was the only person who could nurture my baby and give her exactly what she needed. I wanted to twirl my fingers around little ringlets as my baby gazed sleepily up at me while suckling. I wanted to do my very best to give her everything she needed for the best start in life.
So I was happy for Lucy to feed for as long she liked. I let her wean from each feed as she was ready. And last month she was down to just one morning feed every two days. I knew the end was near.
And then recently she got sick. She was off her food, and wouldn’t eat or drink anything. My first instinct was to breastfeed her – at least to keep up her fluids, and also to know that at least she was getting SOME nutrients. Gratefully she latched on and started sucking. I patted her hot forehead, and held her little hand. As she changed sides, she looked greedily down for the second helping. And she fed some more. Afterwards, some colour had returned to her face. She wasn’t grizzly. She smiled and snuggled in to me, and sat quietly on my lap.
And that was the last time I will ever breastfeed.
For some reason, literally overnight, she decided to become a big girl. Now each morning, when I lift her out of her cot, she points to our special feeding chair, and she pats my shirt – her little sign that she is ready for a feed. But every single time I have offered the breast she just shakes her head and simply nuzzles into my neck. I love that she still seeks that closeness with me, that special time for just her and me as we cuddle on the lounge. But I can’t help but feeling a little heartbroken that she has cut that final tie of physical dependence. She’s growing up.
I try so hard not to listen to that voice but I can’t always drown it out. Because it’s a chapter of my life that has closed. And it was one of my favourite chapters so far. Conceiving, carrying, birthing, feeding – such primal instincts for a mother. And while I didn’t do so great on some of those things, I did bloody fantastic at breastfeeding.
I am so very very grateful for the opportunity, the chance, the ability and the honour to breastfeed my babies.
So one door closes, another opens. My baby years now move on to another new phase. But this one – this one filled with quiet midnight feeds, and sleepy suckles, and beautiful blue eyes staring up at me – has been one that I most certainly, will never forget.
Oh Nat I’m in tears. You really did a bloody fantastic job! My babe is 11 months old and I live in fear of him self weaning. Breastfeeding him is one of the greatest accomplishments and joys of my life. Yay for breastfeeding!!
Thank you Tasha – what a beautiful and joyous comment! Thank you for sharing and for understanding
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23 months and we are still feeding! Mainly because this little girl just wont give it up despite numerous attempts! Bit of a dilemma after Baby #1 who self weaned like your little Lucy! Wishing you the best on the next chapter, she’ll be toilet training before you know it!
Oh Larissa I love hearing of babies still going strong at 23 months!! Isn’t it funny how they seem to decide for themselves when enough is enough!
Ohhh Nat, you brought tears to my eyes. I myself am dreading the end of breastfeeding. It’ll come far too soon
Thank you Kylie – enjoy every moment. Because indeed it does come far too soon <3
I could have written your post exactly. I dreaded my third baby weaning, for all of the same reasons you mentioned. We were down to just before bed when he decided he didn’t want it any more. It broke my heart, but I enjoyed every feed for that last week knowing the end was coming.
The way Lucy weaned was beautiful, your breast gave her comfort and nutrients right to the end. There was no trying to force her, or her trying to force you to keep going when you didn’t want to. A beautiful, peaceful end for you both.
Thank you so much Andrea. I love your words – a beautiful, peaceful end for us both. And it really was. I am thankful to have been able to experience that. I’m glad you also got to be conscious of enjoying your final feeds – they really are so special.
Nat, I am dreading my post, which is going to sound EXACTLY like yours. Camille is 17 months old and I am still feeding 3 times a day, but a couple of days ago, she refused 2 of those 3 feeds. I was a mess. In her case, it was just a one off… for now.
I have never breastfed this far… 13 months was my longest. For some reason, the last one is much harder to give up. I know that I will never breastfeed again. The others, I knew there would be another baby to feed (I was usually pregnant again).
Big hugs babe.
Danielle – you are so right. Knowing that you are pregnant or that another baby is around the corner makes it just that little bit easier. The last one just feels so different. I hope you have many many more months of breastfeeding Camille <3
Oh I know exactly what you are saying – every moment is a last and a little sad. Now I also have added to the mix friends announcing they are pregnant again and having a little twinge of jealousy but at the same time glad it won’t be me going through it again. Still going strong at 22 months breastfeeding twins it has been a hard road but also full of lovely moments too. One of my favorites being them holding hands while they feed. More often than not now its them blowing raspberries on me and giggling at each other now…frustrating but very cute. Fed my eldest til she was 2 when she weaned herself and had hoped to get that far with twins but never thought it would actually happen. Big mummy hugs to you as you deal with this “loss” I too am getting sad thinking about it while also looking forward to a little more mummy freedom
Wow Rachel – breastfeeding twins to 22 months is a remarkable feat!!! What a champion! I can just imagine them holding hands – what a beautiful moment
That brought tears to my eyes! We are still going strong at 19 months but I know it won’t last forever
Reading your words about the quiet midnight feeds gets me all choked up because I don’t know how many times I wished he would sleep instead but now that we are down to one overnight feed I miss all the other ones – such a precious time between mother and baby – a memory to cherish forever.
It is beautiful Sarah – those quiet nights. When it feels like there is no-one else in the world – so precious.
Enjoy feeding your beautiful bub – you are doing an amazing job <3
Oh Nat I am bawling! This is so beautiful <3
Some days I wonder if the day will ever come… Admittedly my kids feed until an age most people aren't comfortable with (of their own volition, I am happy for them to wean as they themselves are ready) and some days I wish it away.
But tomorrow I won't. I will snuggle with my kiddles and appreciate that this too is fleeting, even when it doesn't seem like it.
xox
Awwww Kate you snuggle away!!! It’s easy to feel like it will never end, but suddenly it does!! Enjoy every moment – you are one lucky and clever Mama
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LIKE!!!
Nat
Congratulations on such a wonderful job. Not only breastfeeding your lovely children but also advocating breastfeeding as normal (to your children and society).
It is also wonderful to hear the stories (through comments) of other women who read your blog. My second child is still breastfeeding as almost 2 1/2 years. It doesn’t look like he is planning to stop anytime soon. At present, I’m happy to continue. He has a dairy allergy – so I’m hoping that the benefits of breastmilk will reduce this in the future.
Birdie
Thanks Birdie. I am heartened by stories of “normalising” breastfeed – because the statistics show that exclusive breastfeeding is a rarity in this country. I’d love there to be more support for women – for whatever choices they make, so that feeding doesn’t continue to be such a polarising issue.
Just reminded me how much I love breastfeeding and how very proud I was to feed so long with my first. This has given me the strength to continue with my second. Thank you for sharing.
Thank YOU Mell for your kind words. Enjoy this beautiful time with your little bubba!
awww Nat – so beautifully written – our last breastfeed was when my little guy was 8mths old and he’d cut his first tooth – nothing would deter him from biting – so we had to quit – I was so heartbroken after we’d struggled so much at the start to get the attachment right.
such wonderful memories aren’t they
lots of hugs
Oh Wendy – ouch!!! I can still feel that toe-curling pain! And you try so hard to not react! Luckily my babies have all been very late teethers!
Thanks Nat, what a beautiful read. My little 13 month old (#3 and probably my last) is still enjoying 4-6 feeds/snacks a night. So many people (including myself some days)ask me why do I allow her to continue??? I wish I could make them read your words as my answer. My other 2 self weaned at this age but I’m grateful that so far we are still going strong. I am struggling with the same feelings as you in knowing all these baby moments will probably be my last.
I would love another but I could probably have 10 kids and never lose that feeling. Besides my husband says NO more!! He is eagerlylooking to the future when we will have quality time together again. People think I’m mad as all 3 of my children have been terrible sleepers!!! But even in my constant state of exhaustion (12 months of 4-5 hours broken sleep a night) I know what I get in return from my children far outweighs the lack of a social life, lack of sleep and lack of privacy. I wouldn’t swap it for anything. Being a mum is the best job in the world!!
So very beautiful and so very true. There really is nothing quite like snuggling our bubs, no matter how much we ache for a little more sleep!
beautifully written. I find the hardest time when they wean, its such an emotional break up with baby not needing you as much anymore. I had to wean my 2nd baby at 4months because of feeding/supply issues.. I still feel guilt over that, it was an awful time for me..
Im glad you got to feed for so long x
Thanks Sarah. It does seem to be so much more than just the feeding doesn’t it. I’m sorry you had to wean before you were ready to – that would be incredibly hard. But certainly don’t feel guilty – Mums do whatever it takes to the right thing for themselves and bub, so you did an amazing job to get to 4 months!