The Myth of the One Perfect Mother
Oct 22
When I was growing up, I always aspired to be the kind of mother that my mother was to me. She was very gentle, always supportive, and gave me a lot of freedom to make my own choices (and mistakes!). Even though we had some interesting times in my “terrible teens” (ha you thought the twos were bad!!), I still believed that my Mum was everything I wanted to be. I actually didn’t think about the kind of mother she was to my brother or my sister – I just assumed she was exactly the same.
I was reflecting on this the other day with my own four children. I realised that I do not treat them equally. I do not mother them in the same way. It would be impossible to do so.
If I were to attend the same event with all of my children, I would need to be a very different mother to each of them. Sometimes I would need to be very patient and take things slowly, sometimes I would need to be flamboyant and outrageous and run up and down the sidelines just to get a laugh, sometimes I would be raising an eyebrow whilst counting slowly down from 5, sometimes I would have to cuddle a child as they nuzzle nervously into my neck whilst I shield them from the world.
It’s even harder when dealing with all four at once. I might have a child sitting quietly on my lap, whilst at the same time giving an encouraging wink and cheeky smile to one child, and then quickly changing to the Mummy-eye (you know the one I’m talking about) to another who needs to be reminded, “Don’t you even THINK about it!”. And then I’d also be keeping an eye on Number 4 who has wandered off in a show of independence and thinks I can’t see her.
It’s like Mummy-schizophrenia. Sometimes I don’t even know which is the real Mummy anymore!
Some Mummy’s are easier to be than others. You don’t think I want to be the ‘rainbows and unicorns’ Mummy all the time? She is totally the best. She is funny and relaxed, and spontaneous, and she loves rolling around with the kids, and laughing until her sides hurt. But then there is another Mummy who needs to be incredibly firm with the rules – she won’t let a single foot step out of line, and you don’t want to cross her – you have been warned. I don’t like being that Mummy – but sometimes she has to be around for the safety of her children, and for the sanity of the entire household.
The hardest Mummy to be is the one that has to watch her child fight an inner war against anxiety. She has to be patient and calm and soothing, when it feels like not a single person in the whole world understands how much her heart is hurting.
If I tried to mother my children in exactly the same way, I am certain that the result would be crushed spirits, disorderly rebels, and very confused children. To be the best Mum I can be, I need to know my children. I need to understand what makes them happy, what makes them sad, what gives them courage, and what deflates their spirit. And sometimes I get it terribly wrong.
But that’s OK.
Because as much as I mother them all differently, I do provide many things in equal measures – love, honesty and respect.
There never has been, and never will be, a perfect mother. She just does not exist.
But we exist, we are real. We make mistakes, but more often than not we make our children happy by keeping them warm, and safe, and fed, and clothed, and soothed… and LOVED. Which is what counts – no matter which Mummy we have to be in order to get there.
We may not be the perfect mother, but would you really want to be?
My two are very close in age and personality, but even so you are switching modes continuously. I’m certainly crash testing the million ways to be a good mother!
If only there were a manual to help us! But it is kinda fun trying out the different modes to see which works
)
Beautiful post and so true
Thanks Claire
What a great post… This is especially one to bookmark and come back to when we are struggling and thinking we are doing a bad job at parenting out kids.. It reminds us that every child is different and we do have to have multiple hats on to try and keep the peace in the house and within ourselves… Love this post and Thank u!
Thanks so much Debbie. We all have days when we feel like we are doing a bad job. And I reckon the kids wouldn’t even know any different. Thanks for your kind words <3
Great post Nat and so very true. While we only have one child I did notice it with my folks – my Mom and Dad parented my brother and I so differently and it was only when I have my own child that I realised why !!
Have the best day !
Me
Hi Me! That’s really interesting that you can think back and see a difference in your own parent’s parenting styles. Isn’t it funny how having children of our own gives us a whole new perspective on our own childhood!
Oh, I have been thinking about this so much recently. I feel like I have so many roles to fill and I’m not doing a very good job at any of them. My son turned 3 in August and my daughter turns 2 next month. As much as I am a SAHM we also own our own business and I have a lot of paperwork that need to get done as well as the dreaded housework. I am really struggling to keep up with everything. My son is so active and in need of lots of physical and mental stimulation. If I have a day where I need to get lots of office work done he just gets so bored and the result is us getting frustrated at each other because as you would know bored child often equals naughty child. Sure I could do all the paperwork after they go to bed at night and stay up to all hours and get very little sleep but that would just mean I would be tired and irritable with the kids anyway. My husband has suggested that I think about sending our son to day care one or two days a week next year to help with the load. Also because I don’t have any friends with kids so he doesn’t get much opportunity to interact with other kids. I am really agonising over the decision because either way I go I think I will feel guilty. If I do send him I will feel like I have failed and why could I not ‘do it all’. If I don’t send him I will feel like I am possibly failing him by not providing the stimulation he needs. Afterall if he was only about 7 weeks older he would be due for Kindy next year. Sorry for my rambling but as you can see my head is spinning.
Oh Mindy we really do have so much in common. I empathise with every single point you have mentioned! The biggest thing I try to remember is that “We can have it all – we just can’t have it all at once”. There is no right answer, and sometime we just have to go with our gut, and trust that it will lead us to the right place. You are doing a fantastic job xx
This is a great post and so, so true. We have four girls and each are different so require different mothering. At times it can be complicated. And no there is no such thing as a perfect mother. How boring would she be anyway?
Haha – I agree! I can’t even imagine what she would be like!
Too true – with 5 girls 14, 12, 7, 2 and 7 weeks parenting hats are different 5 times every hour differently!!! Each needs as much attention only different! Yes really!! – I gave up being or trying to be a perfect mum a long time ago instead Im settling on just a GEM! Just a good enough mummy – which is good enough for all of my girls!!! and they know they have a FAMILY (Father and Mother I Love You!) that love them all!! Great post Nat!! PS I agree perfect is never really perfect – those perfect mothers are so… NOT!
“Good enough” – never have truer words been spoken <3