Embracing The Melancholy in My Pursuit of Happiness
Oct 17
You may remember that I feel a little bit overwhelmed when I am tired. You know – tears leaking out of my eyes kind of overwhelmed.
As I write this, I am in Melbourne. It is my third night here having attended the Problogger training event thanks to Mum’s Secret. I am REALLY tired. Like mentally drained, but in a good way. I have been on a precipice for some time. I have been dancing on the edge of a cliff for a while – not knowing whether to jump or to just take a step backwards, get back into my car and drive away.
* Side note – I realise I talk in metaphors a lot. I don’t know if it makes it easier for you to understand or just makes you stare at the screen and go… “HUH???”.
Annnnyyywaay – my whole cliff analogy is about what to do with my life!! My grand plans to be at home with my children until they all started school, had to be very quickly re-evaluated when we made the incredibly difficult decision to send all of the children to a private school (a decision which brought an incredible amount of relief after which it was made).
So I have been teetering on the edge, knowing at some point that I would have to take the plunge into the next stage of my life. I just didn’t know what, or how, or when.
I am at a crossroads.
Over the past couple of days I have been surrounded by an inspiring and creative group of people. We have come from all walks of life, and the one common thing that we all love to do, is write.
It has stirred a passion in my soul – something deep and primal and real. It’s something that I don’t want to push away from. I have never been happier than I have been in these last couple of years. I feel like I am just starting to hit my stride. I am tentatively stepping out of the haze that is life with a newborn baby. I am reclaiming my body from years of conceiving, birthing, and breastfeeding. I have found a contentment in my life that can only come from a calm acceptance of loving the moment – and embracing the joys of life.
And without a doubt in my mind, writing my blog has led me to this point.
Writing, to me, is my way of breathing life. I get to reach down deep inside, and explore what it is that I am feeling. I challenge myself to find the truth – my truth, with everything that I write, and peel off the layers, slowly, one by one, until I find me… just me.
Right now, I feel like someone has placed a gift in my hands, with a beautiful little card attached, saying “Your happiness – do with it as you will.”
And the truth is… I don’t know what to do with it.
Where do I take it? Where am I going?
The honest answer is I don’t know.
I feel a great sense of responsibility to nurture my happiness – to treat it carefully, to give it everything it needs to grow and to flourish. But I am still learning, slowly, exactly what it is that I need to do, in order for my true happiness to grow.
And I wonder, is this something we ever truly know?
Or do we listen to those feelings, the stirrings of passion in our soul, and hope to goodness that they are leading us to the right place… a good place… a happy place.
I don’t have all the answers.
Do you?
I Completely understand what you mean and when it comes to happiness and for filling your career dreams that is important as when it’s time to leave your little ones and step I to the working world you want to be happy and use the skills and attributes that you are awesome at! But this year has taught me more than that! We have had the worst year of our marital life (husband’s business went bust – left a good job to work with a mate who dangled a good carrot and shafted us)!!! Watching my husband ring around, send emails to people and places trying to find something a job any job to provide the lifestyle we’ve lead for many years! My question to him are you happy Doing that? His response to me was you and the kids make me happy and thats all that matters! I love my job and it makes me feel bad that my husband isn’t doing something that he loves but is happy knowing he is earning us the money we need to survive! But I do live in hope that he will find his happiness and he finds he answers!!!
What a lovely reminder of what really matters. We really do need so very little to be truly happy. It’s nice to be remember how lucky we are to have the opportunities that we do. Sounds like you got a good’un there!
Perhaps the best stuff comes when we’re exhausted and vulnerable – it’s like a truth serum!
This precipice you speak of, I am going to presume you mean going back to paid work as a Teacher and perhaps stepping back from the blog a bit or completely.
I’m going to presume that though blogging/writing makes you very happy, it’s a lot of hard work, particularly if you’re going to make any meaningful income from it. Perhaps it would seem easier to just go to work.
I’m also going to guess that you’d be worried that in doing both the blog and outside work, it would all be too much. So which one do you pick?
I don’t have the answers (I might not even have the questions right) but I’d just say neither choice is a permanent one so if you find that you’ve being happy, you CAN take it back!
I think I know a little bit about what you’re going through. Not that I make any money off my blog at the moment, but I am being paid to write recipes for Essential Kids and though it’s a little bit of income, it’s not a significant amount when I consider our outgoings. In a couple of years my first son will be starting at a private school too. Once all 3 are in private schooling, it weighs on my mind how we will afford it. It doesn’t seem fair on my husband that he should bear all the burden. But then again, I’ve also thought about how much me being at home, available at all times is worth? Like if I had to put a price on it? I reckon it’s a lot.
Anyway, I’m a bit tired myself, I’ve spent half the night awake with my youngest, so you see I’m rambling and it appears the truth serum has been at work with me too.
I so agree with you Kristy – sometimes when we are delirious our best and most creative thoughts come to us! I feel like I am passionate about so many things at the moment – teaching, writing, helping people. It’s really hard to know how to balance that with my financial needs. I’m never going to make a squillion dollars from my blog (although that would be lovely!), however I do love writing and there seem to be plenty of opportunities out there (IF you bust your backside to make it work).
It’s really tough – the eternal question for mothers I guess – how to nurture who WE are whilst also being the best Mum we can be.
I think there does come a point in time when you know what you should be doing. For me the problem was it came too late in life (I think anyway). I left school and went to work in a bank then did a degree part time and landed up as a financial accountant. Yes I like numbers but I really like helping people too – and that is what I should have done with my life – found a job that was helping people.
When I was about 43 I decided that I needed to do something to was helpful to others and, as I had done a reflexology course before we moved to Australia, I decided to do that only not that many people know about how beneficial it is so I did a massage course and then did a dimploma in remedial massage.
So now I work full time Monday – Friday but see clients at home Monday – Thursday evenings and on Saturday. This works for me because I was never a SAHM – K was 4 weeks old when I went back to work and, apart from being unemployed for 6 months, I have worked full time.
Maybe take some time to reflect on what you would like to do and then try to work it into what you can do.
Sorry – a lot of rambling about what worked for me and not really any advice on what might help you !
Have the best day !
Me
Thank you so much for sharing your story Me. It certianly takes a lot of introspection to really understand what is that we are passionate about – especially when we are forced to make a decision for financial reasons. It sounds like you too are hitting your stride now which is wonderful!
Morning Nat! I admint I have only very quickly read your post, so please excuse me if I have the wrong end of the stick. From what I read though, perhaps your are confusing happiness with fulfillment? As you know, I work, hard, in my own business while looking after 3 kids part time. We do need my business income, but its not WHY i chose to work in the field I did. I am fulfilled through my work in different ways. It enhances my sense of place in the world, and reminds constantly that I am more than a mum and wife, I am also a boss, a mentor, a teacher, a dreamer! BUT! Whilst I do gain happiness from my work, it is not what makes me happy. I’ve followed your blog for 1.5 years. You read as very happy, but perhaps there are parts of your being that remain unfulfilled? The reverse is possible too – I’m very fulfilled, but sometimes due to sheer fatigue or feeling ‘locked in’ to my business I have times where I feel unhappy. The two dont always go together. Best, Jane
Thanks Jane – I completely understand what you are saying and appreciate your insight. You are right – I don’t believe happiness necessarily ties to what I do. I do however know that happiness needs to be nurtured, and sometimes we need to play around a little with the best way to do that. I hope your little man is doing beautifully! xx
I wish I had all the answers. It’s funny how so many women I know online and offline are at this same point at the moment (including me!) so much so there ought to be a name for it!
I think as long as we follow our heart we can’t go wrong. Sure we will make mistakes and take paths that will be rocky but ultimately it is all part of the journey in which we never stop learning or growing.
(Oh, and I love metaphors too).
So glad that someone gets my metaphors Jodi!! lol Isn’t it strange how it seems to be something that we all seem to struggle with at some point. I think following our heart is great advice – thank you
I love your metaphors too! Keep them coming. There’s nothing like a few days away by yourself to really stir things up.
I agree with Jodi – follow your heart and you can’t go wrong. Trust those first feelings and stirrings of passion. For me, I have found when I start thinking too much that doubts or fears start to take over. Sometimes you’ve just got to jump off that cliff! I think by following your passion and helping others you are being the best Mum you can be. What better lesson to teach your children?
Ah yes – there is that saying about if you think too long you will create a problem that was never even there in the first place. I am truly an over-thinker and I learn every day little things which encourage me to trust my instincts. Thanks Emma x
I’m still waiting for the day I realise what I want to be when I ‘grow up’. I have a degree, beautiful children and various skills but no idea what I’m passionate about; what (if any) career I’m destined for; what I want to ‘do’ to make me happy & fulfilled as a person (beyond the mother/wife role that I’m flat-out filling so no idea where I’d find the time for anything more).
I admire your honesty Nat, in sharing your story, your family’s story. I often think that it would be a fun, interesting and challenging adventure to start up a blog but I worry (about a lot of things really…) What would I write about? Would people want to read it? I also worry about sharing a little bit too much of my life and the life of my family online… Perhaps I over-think things a little.
All the best in your search for happiness and fulfillment (financial, spiritual and otherwise).
Oh Carly – I think you have explained blogger angst to a t! lol One of the hardest things to do as a blogger is to block out all the “noise” and focus just on what you are doing. And by doing that – you rely on the universe to guide you towards like-minded people which is one of the greatest rewards that blogging can offer! I am grateful to be able to look back on my life – because even the mind-numbingly mundane might actually be interesting for the kids to look back on one day *well I hope so!!*