Embracing The Melancholy in My Pursuit of Happiness
You may remember that I feel a little bit overwhelmed when I am tired. You know – tears leaking out of my eyes kind of overwhelmed.
As I write this, I am in Melbourne. It is my third night here having attended the Problogger training event thanks to Mum’s Secret. I am REALLY tired. Like mentally drained, but in a good way. I have been on a precipice for some time. I have been dancing on the edge of a cliff for a while – not knowing whether to jump or to just take a step backwards, get back into my car and drive away.
* Side note – I realise I talk in metaphors a lot. I don’t know if it makes it easier for you to understand or just makes you stare at the screen and go… “HUH???”.
Annnnyyywaay – my whole cliff analogy is about what to do with my life!! My grand plans to be at home with my children until they all started school, had to be very quickly re-evaluated when we made the incredibly difficult decision to send all of the children to a private school (a decision which brought an incredible amount of relief after which it was made).
So I have been teetering on the edge, knowing at some point that I would have to take the plunge into the next stage of my life. I just didn’t know what, or how, or when.
I am at a crossroads.
Over the past couple of days I have been surrounded by an inspiring and creative group of people. We have come from all walks of life, and the one common thing that we all love to do, is write.
It has stirred a passion in my soul – something deep and primal and real. It’s something that I don’t want to push away from. I have never been happier than I have been in these last couple of years. I feel like I am just starting to hit my stride. I am tentatively stepping out of the haze that is life with a newborn baby. I am reclaiming my body from years of conceiving, birthing, and breastfeeding. I have found a contentment in my life that can only come from a calm acceptance of loving the moment – and embracing the joys of life.
And without a doubt in my mind, writing my blog has led me to this point.
Writing, to me, is my way of breathing life. I get to reach down deep inside, and explore what it is that I am feeling. I challenge myself to find the truth – my truth, with everything that I write, and peel off the layers, slowly, one by one, until I find me… just me.
Right now, I feel like someone has placed a gift in my hands, with a beautiful little card attached, saying “Your happiness – do with it as you will.”
And the truth is… I don’t know what to do with it.
Where do I take it? Where am I going?
The honest answer is I don’t know.
I feel a great sense of responsibility to nurture my happiness – to treat it carefully, to give it everything it needs to grow and to flourish. But I am still learning, slowly, exactly what it is that I need to do, in order for my true happiness to grow.
And I wonder, is this something we ever truly know?
Or do we listen to those feelings, the stirrings of passion in our soul, and hope to goodness that they are leading us to the right place… a good place… a happy place.
I don’t have all the answers.