Sometimes I Want to Stop Jumping For A Little While
Jul 24
It had been a long day…
I’d been up long before the sun rose, and I was coming home long after the sun set. I was tired. I was emotionally full. I was sitting on a plane home coming home from Melbourne, when all of a sudden it just hit me.
Without any warning, tears started to well in my eyes. As much as I bit my lip, or swallowed the lump in the back of my throat, or pinched the bridge of my nose between my eyes, I couldn’t contain them. Slowly, determinedly, they betrayed me by sliding down my cheeks, and then they just kept coming. I wiped them away, willing them to stop before anyone noticed. But they kept falling.
It had been a long day…
When I am asked to try to describe myself, happy and positive are two words that want to come to mind, but it’s not always true. I work hard to be both of these things – because they are important to me. But sometimes I just get tired. Of nothing in particular. When I was at uni I learnt a lot about the way the brain works, the way it deals with emotions and how we are, essentially, in charge of the way we feel. So I learned to tie a mental safety net into my head, and whenever I felt myself falling into a pit of anxiety or negativity, I would bounce the thought away, like jumping on a trampoline, and I would find something positive in the situation or remind myself of something to make me happy.
After a while, this became my personal philosophy. To chase happiness. Not to wallow in misery. Jumping, jumping, always jumping. But then sometimes I just get tired of jumping. Sometimes I feel like I don’t have the strength to jump again and I wonder what it would feel like to allow myself to fall past the safety net. To wallow in the depths of sadness, or anxiety, and stop trying to be brave or strong. But I don’t. I just get tired – tired of jumping. I get emotionally full.
It had been a long day…
With all the bouncing and the jumping, and the tiredness, and the fullness. I just started overflowing. I was going home to somewhere that was warm, and safe, and full of love. I cried tears because I was tired, and happy, and sad. I cried because in the last few weeks, I have been overwhelmed by kindness and generosity that has surpassed any of my expectations. I cried because of the person who had crossed my path that day – the one who gave me the reassurance that some of the work I have been doing is truly worthwhile. I cried because of her story and because it broke a little piece of my heart. I cried because I am lucky that her story is not mine. I cried because she inspired me.
And I was going home. To someone who would wrap their arms around me, and things would be OK. I know things will always be OK. And that was enough. It was enough to know that I was going home and I could stop jumping for just a little while.
So even though I get tired, I will keep chasing happiness; I will keep fighting for what’s right; and I will keep jumping… even when it’s been a long day.
I think I can relate to the way you were feeling.
I don’t think you should stop jumping, but it’s ok to get tired once and a while, it’s only natural.
I firmly believe that you do indeed make your own happiness.
Thanks Kristy. That tiredness can be so energy zapping and painful. It’s nice to find the urge to jump again.
Hugs for you Nat. I stopped jumping a little while back as tiredness and numerous other things took hold hold of me. I prefer to ‘choose’ happiness but sometimes its not enough. But I too was lucky to have someone to hold me, love me and help me find my bounce back. I often think how lucky I am to have a safety net to catch me when I start to fall and how hard it must be not to have that. How lucky we are and how wonderful you are for doing such great things to help those in need xx
Hey Kaz – I think that is one of my fears. What if one day choosing happiness ISN’T enough? What if the safety net fails? Thankfully for those of us who are lucky enough, we have loved ones that are ready to catch us if we fall.
Better out than in I say! I know what you mean… Sometimes you get so full that you have to let it out rf let go so that you can ‘refill’ and start jumping again. I have learnt to acknowledge those thoughts and feelings – they might not necessarily be your ‘truth’ but they are real. If you contain emotions for too long they will come to the surface eventually, somewhere. Big hugs to you! Lovely post Nat. x
Yep – even on a packed plane in the middle of strangers lol. Thanks Emma
Thinking of you Natalie. We can’t be something 100% of the time, and sometimes we just need to take the time to acknowledge the stuff that doesn’t make us happy and that brings us down, we can’t always efficiently shove it away, and that’s ok.
You are amazing and you’re doing amazing things. Biggest hugs to you, and thank you, for all you do. x
Thankyou Bianca for your kind words.It means a lot to know that we can fall apart every now and then and still be OK <3
Nat you are an inspiration to so so many of us!! As a mother, a wife and a friend!! I absolutely love reading your blog and FB! You inspire me to be a better person and a better mum!!
You are doing a amazing job with your blog!!
Xxx
Hi Nat sometimes it takes all our effort to muster the strength to start jumping and when we do our feet aren’t even leaving the trampoline and we fall in a heap ( in the arms of loved ones) until we’re ready to try again. You are an I Inspiration to me and many times when I have been in a heap your words have helped me muster the strength to jump again. So Thank you!
I just want to give you the biggest squishiest hug ever gorgeous girl. I so know those exhausted tears. Be kind to yourself hun, you are such an amazing woman xx